Like everybody out here,
I’m trying to develop things, but whenever there’s
a conference call, I can’t handle it. This is not a lie. I’m lying in bed, at home,
and I put the cell phone on speaker, and I throw the phone
to the other side of the bed, and I just lie there like this… And I just wait
for people to stop talking. And when they
stop talking, I just go, like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good.” That’s my waterboarding,
a 45-minute conference call. You know what the worst is? Is when the phone call goes to end, and then that last person
who hasn’t talked the whole phone call chimes in. You know what they’re doing. They’re like,
“This phone call’s gonna end, and I haven’t said anything.” And then you have to sit there
and listen to it and then comment on it. You die a thousand deaths. My other car is a Prius. -Wow.
-So… I love the Prius. Prius is the [bleeps], though. It’s like that friend
that you never have an issue with. -It’s a Toyota. It always starts.
-Well… It costs you like
28 bucks to fill the tank. -Okay.
-Somebody opens their door into it, you don’t give a [bleeps]. Have you checked around
for your soul lately? -Have you noticed your soul is gone?
-Because I’m driving a Prius? It crushes the human spirit. It has no joy of life… Oh, [bleeps], I can’t argue with that.
I can’t argue with any of that. You’ve got this ability
to make me laugh and to ruin [bleeps], all at the same time. And people for years have said,
“He has an act about nothing.” It isn’t. You’re not listening to him. You’re not seeing the anger
underneath these bits. This guy has contempt for humanity, and for 90% of activities. -Oh, my God.
-One of my favorite things to see is a comic, especially someone who works clean, to still be able to see
that same sort of rage. Like Brian Regan. You watch Brian Regan… People think it’s goofy.
It’s like, “No. This is an angry dude.” The way he’s telling this story
is not the way he reacted when the [bleeps] happened.
I’m telling you right now. Well, I think everybody
in that whole northeast area… -Yeah.
-They’re just funny. -Philly, New York and Boston.
-I just think it’s the ball-breaking. It’s like you grow up getting heckled. -It’s like you’re, sort of, onstage…
-Right. And you just learn that whole “get it off me
and get it on to the next person.” -Know what I mean?
-Right. Then you learn other techniques,
like, “I’ll agree with it. I’ll make fun of myself. I can use my hands,
I can take it to the ground.” It’s like UFC of, like, getting [bleeps]. You’re not worried that we’re becoming
this very gentle, respectful culture, that the people won’t be funny anymore. I’m worried that every time
I see a comedian apologize just to end it… Just because you took
what I said seriously doesn’t mean I now meant it. Like, you don’t get to decide that, “What? You’re in my head
and you know my intent?” Like, if I’m saying something
and I’m joking, I’m joking. This is the deal.
Those people who get offended like that, if they wanna see stand-up comedy, they should hire a comic
for a private show, and go,
“These are topics you can talk about. These are topics you don’t.” So, you come in to the hostile
environment of a comedy club, and we get to say whatever we want. The amount of times they’ve shown clips, they’ll be like,
“Controversy at the Laugh Factory.” And they show the bit
and the crowd laughed. There was no controversy. One person got pissed, wrote a blog. It’s a lazy journal story… -Right.
-And the next thing you know, you’re on a split screen, and you’re sitting there
talking to a [bleeps] blogger. -Is everything tasting okay? Good?
-Yeah. It’s delicious. -I thought you were gonna complain.
-This is not over-medium. -This is over-easy.
-Yeah. And this is just
right out of the chicken. Did you see any of The Expendables movies?